Misperceptions....

"And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away..."  Matthew 18:9 NIV

"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."  Matthew 7:5

The most frequently asked question of me about Karen's status: "Does she still recognize you?"

      It was a phone call I had expected at some point. The director of the memory care center where Karen is staying called me: "I just thought I should give you a heads up." It seems that a new resident, an older fellow who tends to wander and has been somewhat disruptive, was the recipient of a sustained peck bestowed by Karen; she came up to him, exclaimed, "I love you", and kissed him. The staff opined that she may have thought it was me; I guess I am not the only old tall guy around, and would like to think that may have been the case but even though Karen has had difficulty identifying familiar faces ("prosopagnosia") since early in her illness, she has always recognized me, and more to the point she has not initiated any affection toward me, or anyone in the family, for the  past two years. But, perhaps for this one time she did misperceive....

      My reaction? Initially, some gut level guy thing, jealousy and hurt, but only for a moment; I had just visited  her not long before the event and had sat with her in the day room along with other residents as we participated in sing-along. The lady sitting next to me had in her embrace a huge stuffed dog, which she was caressing and even dancing with, completely enthralled by the closeness to the degree that it was clear she felt the dog was real. As dementia strips the filters and mental mechanisms that allow us to exercise discernment and judgment about who and how we love, there is inevitable childlike change: unexplained avoidance or unbridled affectionate impulse. This was not my wife choosing another man; this was a symptom of the disease. The attraction to another was not her fault; it may not have been the right thing for her to do, but I can understand it.

     As I felt smugly satisfied that I was reacting with professional aplomb, something drew me to recall the log and speck passage (Matthew 7:5, above); how many times in our almost-thirty-two years of marriage have I ever looked at another woman? Have I ever tried to attract the attention of another? I have been faithful in the traditional sense, but Jesus pretty much put all that rationalization to rest in Matthew 5:28: the thought is equal to the act. Maybe Karen misperceived, maybe Karen misbehaved: Karen has dementia. I do not. One more reminder that I would be hopelessly lost were it not for the grace of of a forgiving God.

     And for any part of me that might feel as if our situation is uniquely unfair, that we are suffering in ways that others do not, there are other reminders. I am now working at a mental health clinic in Phoenix, back home at night and able to see Karen more frequently (was her episode with the other resident a result of my having to be absent all week when I was working in Flagstaff?; it hasn't recurred since I have been back home). It is a good work here, but challenging; I inherited a case load of 246 patients, all classified as "SMI" (seriously mentally ill), and almost all with complicated life circumstances. I am given only a few minutes per appointment, so just before I call someone back to the office I try to scan the chart to get some glimpse of the types of issues that might arise. Even after forty-plus years of hearing difficult stories, sometimes one simply is stunned by the sadness of a sin-sick world: I quickly peruse the chart of a young man who himself has several psychiatric illnesses and marked disturbances in relationships with others: when he was five years old he watched his father, who was obviously also seriously disturbed, take a stick and try to gouge out his own eye after he had looked into the storefront window of a bookstore and had seen something he felt was obscene; police were called but even on the way to the hospital the father completed the removal of his eye, using his thumb. He repeated the act by removing his other eye with a spoon in spite of close protective observation while an inpatient. For the next ten years the son was forced to read the Bible to his now-blind father; it is no wonder that he now is hesitant to trust others, to seek God, and to consider the issues of grace and mercy in his own life. My own struggles are miniscule compared to his.

     The good news is that Karen still has a loving heart, regardless of to whom she may express it. The better news is that she still recognizes me and we can still enjoy time together. The greater news is that even with the fluctuations and misperceptions that may cloud our current relationship, we have had years of love. And the greatest news is that even when we cannot love each other well, we are still loved; we have been the recipients of so much grace and so much mercy, completely undeserving of it all. Compared to many, we are richly, relationally blessed.

     We are still here. And things are ok.

Barney