Where He leads me....

"...I once was lost but now I am found.."                Amazing Grace, John Newton

"Hence God led the people around...And the Lord was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light that they might travel by day and by night..."                Exodus 13:18,21

"Then he said to Him, "If Thy presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here..."   Exodus 33:15

I lost Karen last Thursday. No, not that way; the Karen that I have known as my partner has in fact been gone for some time, but Karen is still with me. Except for my time at work on Tuesdays (when I pay someone to stay with her), we are essentially together constantly. But if you were to watch us as we are out of the house, and if you did not know our personal origins or circumstances, you might think we were the standard couple from a middle eastern culture: I walk along, and while not always the full traditional Islamic ten paces behind, my dutiful wife follows. This is not my preference; this is a function of the dementia. Karen has lost a desire for or even a comfort with personal touch, so walking side by side holding hands is simply no longer an option, and even tandem walking without touching is avoided, as she wants to look like she knows where we are going and fears getting in my way if I should turn right or left while she is still walking straight ahead. So, she has over the past year adopted the practice of falling in behind me, directly behind where I have to stop and turn to make sure she is there; no  simple glance over the shoulder will assure that the troops are in line.

The Law of Walmart: regardless of how many specific items you need, they will manage to be out of two of them. Thus, when we went to pick up three things (Walmart for three things; what was I thinking?) and found the first item wanting, I should have recognized that this trip was doomed. But, persistently we went on further back to the dairy section on a quest for the only brand of yogurt that Karen will eat, and she only wants yogurt and cereal for breakfast. When I pushed the cart (cart for three items? what was I thinking?) up to the eighteen-plus varieties of yogurt I quickly saw that only their generic form of her particular flavor was on the shelf, and Karen will not have anything to do with such an inferior product even if I can show her it is the same item from the same manufacturer packaged under the Walmart label. I announce that we will just go elsewhere to get our goods, turn and leave the cart and proceed to wind our way out of the store. Only as I am outside and approached by a lady who is seeking a monetary handout (to which I might have responded if had not just the moment before glimpsed her handing a wad of bills to her partner squatting near by) and turn to make sure Karen is not caught up in the same situation, do I find that my wife is nowhere to be seen.

Terror. I had feared this happening at some point but had not expected the deluge of panic that it might bring. Quickly re-entering the store I looked around frantically, went to the closest checkout stand and asked for the manager, only to be directed to the other side of the store. I left a description with the checkout lady who said she would be on the lookout ("watch for a redhead wearing red striped shorts and a pinkish top") and finally was able to tear the manager away from her layaway duties; she offered to page Karen to come to the front of the store. I hurried back to the entrance to wait, but minutes passed with no sighting. I was afraid to retrace my steps and risk missing her if she did in fact respond to the announcement, but after five minutes I knew I had to make one more trip back to see if she had been sidetracked at some aisle.  And then I found her, right where I had left her, standing by the empty cart and carrying on a rather disjointed conversation with a salesperson who was promoting samples of the sausage of the day; she was upbeat, unconcerned, and only became upset when I told her what had happened. She had thought I had said for her to wait while I went elsewhere. She had never heard her name being paged overhead. As we exited I had to admit to the checkout lady that yes, I did find my wife, and yes, she was wearing blue striped shorts and a dark blue top.

Lessons learned: 1) memorize what she is wearing every time we leave the house; 2) get the ID bracelet that she has refused to consider wearing up to this point, trusting I can find something attractive enough to match whatever color she might wear and not conspicuously calling attention to her particular problem; 3) don't just start walking and assume your troops are following loyally behind. What else am I supposed to do? What should I do next? Where should I go to find a solution? Then as I was preparing this week to teach our adult class at church in a study of Exodus, I caught myself feeling jealous of the Israelites as they were given the unmistakable gift of a theophany that told them when to go, when to stay, and gave them light even in the darkness. I can identify with Moses as he plead with God to not let the people go forth without His presence and His guidance. Ah, that God would be so clear in our own situation, to show me exactly what to do next, how to proceed, and how to find my way in these murky times.

Ah, but He has: "And I will ask the Father and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; I will send Him to you...and He will guide you into all the truth..."(John 14:16, 16:7,13). I need to learn from Karen: she was not the one who went off on her own; she stayed where she thought she was supposed to be, waiting for me to return and guide her onward. God has in fact given me his word and his Spirit, if only I take the time to seek and listen to what he has to say, to listen to the promptings of the Spirit, to be aware of the times when I should just be still and not impulsively move ahead in some self-determined direction.

Trusting that each of you have Him in clear sight as you journey forth, I look forward to hearing of where He has led you, and where He has allowed you to rest for a season...

...but for now I will close; we need to go to the store. And she is wearing brown shorts. And a white top. I am pretty sure. Maybe I should check one more time...

Barney
(barneydavis@gmail.com)